Stronger than ever.

Wow. Where to begin. I haven't wrote a post in a while, because i have not had a chance to sit down, stop and reflect over everything that's been happening. In a way i think its a blessing that i have not stopped and that i have been so busy these last few months, because its made everything easier, quicker, and i haven't had to moan and feel sorry for myself. I cant put into words how strong i feel right now.

I have always been a strong person, i have had to be since i was a little girl, and i always knew that i could defeat anything and that i can get through the very lows in life. I lost me for a while, and i lost that strength too. Finally in a very long time, i can safely say that i am me again, i am happy, i am strong, i am content, and i have never had so much confidence. Before i was just a shadow of myself, going along in life and feeling more and more insecure as days went by, simply because i was surrounded and living in a home where nobody really cared and where nobody wanted me there anyway. I am home now with my family, my real family and its never felt better to be surrounded by the ones in life who will love you regardless and who will want you there for you. It is freedom that i have now been given, i no longer have to sit in a home and pretend i'm happy with someone else's family who never cared and with a boyfriend who never wanted me in the first place.

I also resigned from my job in the Media, a job which i loved at first, but in the end it simply reminded me to much of my past. I had moved on from the area, the people, and i was sick of driving past my ex boyfriends home and the places we had been together. It was simply my past and i was never going to be able to move on without losing it all. I lost him, my home, my place i was used to living in, and all that goes with it, and it was pointless driving to the job i had in that part of my life too. The day i left work for the last time, i drove HOME (back to my new home, my old home, my real home) and i have never felt so free and relieved, Never again will i have to go anywhere near that part of my life, its done, it's over, and i have never felt so strong.

Not many people can lose it all and pick themselves back up.. but that is exactly what i have done. I got a brand new job as a care nurse, and i have never been more sure and excited about anything. As much as i loved the media and all things creative, i have always been destined to work in a career which would enable me to help others and care for others, i always wanted to work with children, but when i found this job role, i realized i can help anybody. I just finished my training and am waiting for my CRB now. I will be working as a domiciliary carer, working with people with Parkinsons, Alzheimers, Dementia, MS and other illnesses, some will just need caring and having no illness as such, everyday is going to be a different day which i love. Its going to be hard, and that's why not a lot of people work in this type of role, some of the people i work with will be end of life, and that's going to be so distressing and sad, but i know now that this is what i need to do, and i want to progress on to work as a paramedic or a nurse in a hospital.

So with all the bad that has happened and that is ongoing i am stronger than i have ever been i have hit rock bottom, and i have had to build myself emotionally back up, as i couldn't let it all destroy me, and i would never have let that happen. I have never felt more myself, and in a weird way i have never been happier, even though there is still a lot of drama and stress around me, as-well as sadness, i am positive and i am hopeful, and at 22, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. I cannot wait to make it so worthwhile and meaningful.

Jade xox

A song for my life right now.

Tom Odell - Another Love

This has been the soundtrack to my life and feelings for the last month, and pretty much sums up all i am feeling recently. Beautiful.

Disaster Week

Last week was probably one of the most hectic and crazy weeks of my life. No exaggeration.

Monday came the day where the door finally closed on my ex. He showed his true colors and how little he ever cared when he decided to humiliate me, shout abuse at me, and slap me around the face. No matter what happens in life i will never agree with a man hitting a girl. At-least from this i can finally realize that he was someone in my life that NEVER loved me and NEVER truly cared, and as upsetting and heartbreaking it is, it has well and truly secured shut that place I had for him in my heart, my mind and my memories. It hurts more not that he would slap me around the face, something which he had never done before and i never thought he would, but it hurts more that he has changed so much as a person that that's the person he now is, and i truly feel sorry for his current girlfriend who he was cheating on me with in the first place, not only does she have my rotten seconds but she will have to go through what I went through, a relationship with a compulsive liar and cheat who has now adding hitting women to his list of faults. Its a shame, and especially concerning considering he works with children. Not only does he need anger management but he needs to sort out who he is as a person. As for me, i have never been stronger and more determined, because now I've finally seen what everyone has been telling me that 'I was always too good for him anyway' 

Tuesday continued with its pattern of drama and disaster when my Mums home caught fire. My brothers bedroom caught fire and burnt down. It was incredibly scary and happened so quick, without the fire alarm we would have all died. It was a horrendous and scary day, and I'm so grateful that we all got out okay. Someone was looking down on us that day. As shown by this photo i took of a heart shape on the ceiling of the room that caught fire.

 I have so much faith and hope in life, and i truly believe everything happens for a reason, we lost material things, but they do not matter. This has shown me how futile and precious life is, and that these things can and do happen! I urge everyone i know to get fire-alarms, they do save your lifes.

Tuesday was also the day where my Grandad had his operation which i'm glad to say went well. At-least something good happened that day. It also made me think about love in general and how amazing it is that my Nan and Grandad have been together 60 years and married for 51. They truly are soul mates, i hope one day when i find someone we are as in love as they are.

Throughout this week i also had the thought looming over me about how i was made redundant, so with all this i've been madly job hunting too, and im keeping my fingers crossed that something good and positive happens soon, as for the last few months i have pretty much lost everything, a relationship, a home, a job, my cat, my possesions, through it all i've never lost my faith and i have fought back at it all, which is what i will always do, i will always be strong, nothing can break that.

Jade xoxo

A crazy weekend

My weekend was a busy one, and not just the usual busy one, but I literally didn't get a moment to stop and think. It started with a Friday night with my lovely friend Caitlyn. Friday had been a shit day for me, I had an awful reminder of my ex in my life when I had to speak to him, it wasn't pleasant, but none the less it reminded me how much better off without him I am. He remains to be a liar and a very cold and uncaring person, so talking to him did make me upset, but afterwards I felt stronger, because I am glad to not have people like that around me anymore, I deserve much better and it’s not worth the time, I gave him everything and for him it still wasn't enough he still had to go and cheat and lie, which is something he enjoyed doing for the four years we were together. Goes to show.. Some people never change! So I was happy that I had my friend to cheer me up, we spent a night eating sweeties and watching girly TV.. With of course lots of talking! 

Then Saturday came and I had a hectic day of preparing for Saturday Nights Madness! I got to my friend Collette’s and the pre-drinking began. We made our very own Bacardi cocktail; lots of Bacardi, mint, lemonade and pineapple, and to be fair it taste rather nice, but sadly it got us drunk VERY quick.

We went for a night out in Wonderland Sutton, where I had never been before. I instantly felt old, everyone seems so young now, and although I am only 22, I was still looking like the old person, the one when I was 18 I used to look at with a disgusted face. Such a shame. We had lots of fun though, and I will make-sure I do not mix my drunks in future, as in the club I thought it would be wise to drink Vodka, Jack Daniels and White Wine. Everything seems so fun when you are drunk. A chav also proposed to me, which was obviously the highlight of my night.

Sunday was spent driving to Weston Super Mare, and I must admit I do love the seaside. It makes you realize that the world is such a big place full of opportunities, and that makes me happy.

This weekend I realized I CAN be happy again, because I WAS happy, I have gone into this week in a rather cheerful mood, and I can’t wait for everything that’s ahead, I am going to embrace it fully.

Jade xox

Reflections.

I just so happened to browse through my Old Myspace account where i used to write a lot about myself it was almost like my own Blog.

Here is what i had to say about myself back in 2008 and 2009 all the way back 4/5 years ago.

2008

One day, i want to look back on my life, and have lots of story's to tell the great great grandchildren. i see the world as tarnished beauty. it’s like all the beautiful things in life, slip away or disappear over time. i adore photography or anything creative, writing, poetry, art and painting, anything that allows me to escape into another world of freedom and happiness. i’m not sure everyone sees the world like i do, but that’s okay, because i talk shit for hours on end, and i’d talk for ages to anyone who would listen to me. i see myself as the next Mother Theresa  i have all these great out of control ideas and plans for life, i will visit the poorest places of the world and do all this volunteer work, when i say that i will do something i will, and i cant think of anything more precious in life, then to give life to others, and help other people be happy. i hate when other people are sad, it makes me sad. i smile at random people in the street. old women like to talk to me on the bus.

I live a random little life in my own little world. i struggle to allow people into what i am because i have this little thing called insecurity. i speak without thinking. the greatest people have entered my life only to walk back out again. i guess i'm scared that that will always be the way if it wasn't for my family & friends then i’d of given up on life a long long time ago... I don't think i'm ready to grow up just yet.
you can think i'm naive if you want, it doesn't matter because i know what i feel and think and i will struggle to see this world and try and make things better. you can say its impossible, but nothings impossible sometimes i get upset, the worlds such a beautiful place and people abuse this. i see things and i feel happier by just knowing that they exist. I love gaining inspiration and passion from books or songs. there is so much meaning to every little word. i love to take photos, i love to write, i love to read, i love to paint and draw, to be honest i love anything that's creative i could listen to acoustic all day long. music is probably one of the most important things, without it life would be pointless, they’d be no empty thoughts and feelings suppressed into passion. i absolutely idolize some people. i like to analyse people. never ever judge anybody without walking a mile in their shoes first. everybody has talents its all down to whether they use them or not. sometimes i fall in love way to easily. i'm always hurt i think its time i realise that i'm going to be alone. its okay i think maybe that some people arn't meant to have what they most want. never regret anything that ever made you smile and never give up on anybody who made you happy. i most believe in the saying that what doesn't destroy you can only make you stronger

i’d quite happily die for anybody i loved. i cherish anyone who’s ever entered my life. i'm a happy person. it’s all about rainbows and them moments where you feel butterflies in your stomach
sometimes i get them moments where because i’ve been living a make believe life that i realise everything isn't exactly perfect. but i see the perfection in imperfections and next year i will do volunteer work in Africa  i'm not sure anybody will ever know who i truly am, because i don't think they ever give me that much of a chance, i could come across as quite dominating. i know what its like to have a crushed up heart. everything can heal. sometimes i feel empty and melancholy, but at the end of the day I'm a human being, and this can only be expected. one day i want to be the girl who will walk into a crowded room & everyone will stop and stare. it’ll never happen i am not beautiful. i guess its really hard to explain who you are to somebody. i want to be an actress and i come alive when i can be someone else, even for a second. its just that i dislike who i am, this is why i make up for it in other ways, i want to be held tightly and looked after, i want to be able to believe im something special. i cant give anybody the world, but i can give them my world


i'm not sure of the direction that my life is leading toward. i have dreams and ambitions and deep down inside me i know that i can and will forfill them. i don't tend to give up on things easily. i'm stubborn but also passionate. i am extremely creative and imaginative  i took on art and also photography as a levels, and also film, philosophy and media. my dream would be to either be an actress or a passionate journalist perhaps working as a magazine editor/publisher. i see life as an empty canvas that only we ourselfs can create.


i love the simple most beautiful things in life. walks in the park, cuddling under my duvet watching a good film, trips to the cinema, spending time with those i love. i'm not one of these people who surround themselves with materialistic things. i am most happy when i'm listening to my music on my ipod and walking somewhere. i don't orientate myself around 'whats hot' i don't follow fashion or trends, to me individuality is what is most appealing. i'm so bored of seeing the same fake people around. however i'm not a nasty person. i'm nice to anyone i meet, and give people a chance, i never judge anybody or stereotype people



2009

I don't know much about myself right now, sorry. But what i do know is that everything that happens to you in life, shapes and changes you as a person. Maybe i'm just not sure who i am right now, but that doesn't mean i don't know who i can be or who i've been in the past.
I am an adult now. It frightens me more than anything, simply because in my heart i am still a six year old child, i had to grow up quickly. I am now at University which i actually do enjoy because of the freedom. I go to St Mary's University, and no not because of the rugby players. I study Media Arts and also Film & TV. I have a tattoo, a dove which i designed myself, on my lower stomach, to me this symbolizes everything i aspire to be. Free, and full of hope and happiness.

My biggest fear is loneliness, but this fear has caused me to push away everyone i love, ironically. I am creative beyond expression. Filmwork, photography, art and writing. I see myself as a blank canvas sometimes. I have been in love once. My heart was broke. I'm not sure i can love again, i skim through friendships, relationships, scared of being hurt like i have been. I am naive, trust too quickly, incredibly childlike, but overall i have so much love to give. I like the simple things in life, walks in the park and holding hands. My self esteem seems to have been dented majorly just in the last year. In fact i cannot wait to start a new year again, next time i will make sure that i have no regrets. This year truly has been a very crazy fucked up one. I lost a best friend, and a boyfriend within a matter of months, and everything after that has seemed like a whirlwind of highs and lows, and learning about who i am again. I don't regret what happened, don't regret losing her or him, everything happens for a reason at the end of the day and i like to think if anything i have grown strong, and that someday soon enough, i will be the best person i can be because of it all. <3 ..




TODAY

Looking back at this actually makes me really sad. I can't believe that's how i used to feel, and although not much has changed within me a lot has too. I sound like such a lost girl, trying to make everything better, trying to make myself better by writing about it all. I don't think i knew who i was back then, and even then i seemed crumbled by love and relationships. I wish i could go back and tell myself that i would find love again, and that even if you lose love, you will get over it and be stronger.
Its sad that i felt like that. I even knew then that i wanted to do volunteer work, i have just swapped Africa for Thailand. University changed me for the better really and graduating too. I feel as if i am mentally stronger and less naive.

This has shown me how life changes, how we change.

In years to come i will look back at this blog too, and probably wish i could tell my 22 year old self that i would be okay and that i would get over the love I've lost this year too.

Jade xox

Erasing the memories.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way of deleting certain memories from your life. I am sick of memories right now, memories of my past relationship. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I know in time it will be easier but I am so sick of being in places, hearing songs, having reminders of him everywhere. I have moved on, and I wish my mind would too, but it seems to think it’s fun to keep reminding me of my past life. I am not hateful or negative about my past relationship and I have no bitter feelings left, but it does suck when you are getting along with your life and suddenly out the blue you will hear a song that reminds you of them, or you will be watching Television and suddenly a shows comes on that you used to watch together. It’s not even that, but if you happen to drive past somewhere or go to a place you both used to go, it strucks you harder. You may have not even thought about them until that point, and BOOM, your back feeling blue about it all. When I came out of my relationship, I used to wish there was something/anything that would take away the hurt and the memories. I wished that there was some sort of miracle that would delete them from your heart and mind and make you forget them sort of like ‘Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind’.

But now. Looking back.. I realize that there is a reason why there is no such process. If there was, then deleting that person from your life would also mean deleting a big part of yourself and your own life. If I had deleted him from my mind and if I had been made to forget that he never existed and that four years with him never happened, then I would lose who I was. In them four years, I learnt a lot, I grew as a person, and although it is hard now, I do not regret that time, and I do look back and smile at the memories. Everything we experience makes us who we are. Some things just end, it doesn’t mean that we end, it just means that the chapter ended, and there are many more chapters left to live. I miss the memories, but I’m glad that they don’t disappear because that would feel like it never existed, and I think that would hurt a lot more.

Yes, it hurts, when I am reminded of what is no longer in my life.

But in time, I know that it will not hurt, that it will purely be a memory sat alongside many more memories to come.

So for now I guess I just have to move through this phrase, and take all the painful reminders in, because when I have moved on in life, I will appreciate the happy reminders.

Jade xox

New Month. New Bucket List Goal.

So today is the start of another month, a quarter of the way through the year. I have had the craziest last two months, and i always feel so much better when a new month begins, it is almost as if it is a new chance to make the most of the month again. The last few weeks have been up and down, and my emotions have gone through every phrase possible. I haven't had much time to sit and reflect for a while. This weekend i booked my Thailand trip and am going now on the 1st August and won't be back until the 17th August! Thailand is 11 hours away on the plane, and it will be seven hours ahead of everyone here in the UK. Its not going to hit me until i get to the airport, and then i'll be alone, ready to begin my adventure. I am not only excited but i am so proud of myself for doing this, for getting the courage after all that's happened this year. I knew i would do it, as i had set my mind to it, but it became more real when i booked it. It is exactly 4 months away today that i will be leaving. There is a part of me that feels alive for doing this, but also a part that is scared. I am going to be on the other side of the world with nobody i even know, in a foreign country where lizards and rats will be running riot around the place. I keep reminding myself that i will be doing an amazing thing, two weeks teaching and looking after children in an orphanage, it will make me appreciate my life so much, which can only be a good thing right now.

So for this month, and before i go away, i am keeping myself focused by working on another of my bucket list goals, and that is to write a book. I have drafted it all up, and i am going to start writing it. As i have mentioned before i have always loved writing. So i will keep you updated on the progress of this and how it goes along the way :)

For now, Happy Easter and set yourself a goal for this month!

Jade xox

The Men of 2013

When i was in a relationship i never really took the time to notice what the men of today have become. Now i am not saying that this post or what i am saying is targeted at ALL men, because I'm certain there are a few rare gems that still exist who do not act like the majority of the men of this generation.

I used to think it was just one breed of guy that would be a cheating liar. I was wrong. You will be surprised at the fact that even the quiet ones are just the same. It is such a shame that men these days have been tainted with this brush. I'm sure men have always cheated, even in a different generation, but everywhere you go now you cannot help but hear about guys cheating, husbands having affairs etc etc. I know that women cheat too, and it isn't just a one sided thing. But why? I think it is so sad that this is all we hear about now.

Where are all the gentlemen, the men who dote on their partners and still spend everyday showing their partners how much they love them? Where are all the story's of happy endings and marriages working. We are just constantly seeing the dark side of love, and this makes us believe that all relationships will end up the same, we are constantly worrying that the person we are with may be cheating on us, and that there is a possibility that we wont ever get our happy ending.

In a different generation, before social networking sites, online pornography and before shows like 'Jeremy Kyle' and 'Cheaters' Things were easy. There was no pressure in relationships that your partner could be online having an affair. There were no mobile phones, so we couldn't hurt ourselves by searching for evidence. It was just you and them.

It is sad. It isn't even all these added extras that effect how we see men and relationships now, it is the lack of respect that men and women have for each other. I have decided to only settle for pure romance and for a true gentlemen from now on. You should have high standards, you should wait for the guy who will open doors for you, show you to the world as his girlfriend. I think love and romance has become dead, because we have allowed it to be. We have just accepted that we are going to be cheated on and that no man is going to pull a chair out for us, or to wine and dine us, its wrong. You are in charge of your own fairytale, and you should never settle for a cheat.

Jade xox

Why missing someone is the worst thing in the world.

Missing someone but not being able to have them or see or speak to them is the worst thing in the world. I used to believe that in time the pain of missing someone would fade away. I was wrong. I'm not going to lie and say it gets easier over time as it doesn't. I still miss that one person. Although I don't think about them as much as before I still get pains in my heart when something reminds me of them. I still miss the good times, the security, the hugs, the love. I think in time I have began to miss them more as I know that that part of my life is over with and that story has ended so it makes me a little sad.  Can you truly ever stop missing something or someone in your past who you truly loved? Or will it never fade, will it stay forever. I would like to know. Right now I keep wondering if one day I will wake up and just not miss them anymore but then that's kind of sad in itself isn't it because when that day comes there really is nothing left of that story, no sequel or next chapter. I always hate when story's End.

With a heavy and hurt heart..
Jade xox

Today it ends

Today is a turning point. Today is the end of something that has been in my life for four years. I knew that eventually this day would come, where there would be no need for me and him to ever speak again. Up until now some of my belongings were still at his house, therefore it's been hard to completely move on until i knew i had everything back. But Today i get everything back and that is the end. It had ended anyway but this really is the day where we part ways and become strangers again. I knew that this would happen eventually, we dont speak anymore, and i have deleted him from practically everything. But today he no longer has a hold on me and there really is not one reason why we should contact eachother again. I guess in a way it hurts and it is hard because everything will come to an end entirely.  I am being strong, and through it all i have tried my hardest to carry on and to let go, and i wont lie it is not easy, it is really hard. What makes it harder is when the other person was a complete liar, who had cheated and left you for another person. Lifes a bitch. As hard as that is, it also makes it a whole lot easier. Why would you want to be back with someone who had done that to you anyway, they trully dont deserve you. In life everything happens for a reason, and i really believe that, we all have a journey and a path in life, and there is fate, you cannot change what is meant to be, you can only ride out the journey and take whatever life throws at you. If i was meant to be with someone, than i would be with them. Life may take you to funny places and teach you knew things. If you really are meant to end up with someone you will, in months or even years. You just have to let it be. So for now.. I am just going to take each day as it comes, i am going to expect the unexpected and i am going to just enjoy and work through all the little things that life throws at me. I am not here to break down or to let life get the best of me, no i am a survivor, that is what we all have built into us. We are all built to survive. So today one part of my life does end, but while that comes to an end, so many more doors are opening, and so many more things are beginning, and that is what life is about.

Jade xox

Do something NOW

I started writing this blog as a type of bucket list, to keep on track with things i wanted/NEEDED to do.
I had heard that writing and thinking of positive things to do, will help mend a broken heart.
I have always enjoyed writing, never really put much effort into it, it seems the only time i turn to writing is when i have certain emotions. This blog may as-well become a guide for those in the same place as me, for those who feel a bit lost at present and have had their hearts broken too. I didn't know that my blog would go in this direction, but looking at it, it more a less has. That in itself makes me a little sad, because i didn't want this to be about him or about what has gone on, if anything i just wanted to desperately move on and focus on new things. I need to remind myself that i HAVE, i have moved fowards, i could have still been sitting in bed, hiding under the covers listening to Adele. But i didn't. I got up off my arse, put my effort into work, booked my first solo travelling trip, and spent valuable time with my friends and my family. I've been busy, and it has helped so much. A break-up of any kind does not need to be a breakdown! 
If you are in this stage now, then make something positive come out of it. DON'T sit around crying and moping it will only make you feel ten times worse. Do something, be something, NOW!

Jade xox

That's what friends are for.

When you are in a relationship, you tend to give that person your everything. They may even become a best friend to you. Then you hit the single life, alone, your no longer seen as 'the couple' instead the 'singleton'.
Life is harsh like that, you have everything and them boom.. Your back on the shelf having to start all over again. However, if you are lucky, lucky like me.. You will have your friends, who will open their arms and bring you back to life.

Now I have always appreciated my friends. Your friends change over the years, some you may have known since school, some from University and some from random places that bring random memories.
As soon as i turned single i knew that i could turn to my friends, and i am so grateful for that, in fact if anything the whole experience has made me ten times closer to the friends that i do have. When you are single you now have so much more to give your friends, and you can focus on your friendships more.

This post is really just to thank those friends who have been there for me this last month.
Without them i could have stayed in bed, crying, getting fat on Ben & Jerry's and replaying Toni Braxton 'unbreak my heart' luckily my friends were there with their words of support, their love and jokes.

Collette Hughes. Sherinne Abdou. Caitlyn Stafford. 

You three girls have been fantastic. Thank you for being there for me, listening to me rant, inspiring me and not letting me do a Bridget Jones. Love you very much.

Jade xox

Letting go of love

There comes a time in your life when you realize that it's not about loving other people its about loving yourself. We all will love and lose love in our lives. I know how that feels. Its horrible to see people change, you once knew everything about them, and when you see them after everything has happened.. you no longer know them you have gone back to being strangers. What hurts more is when the person you loved now loves someone else. It makes you feel sick, it is the worst thing in the world. If only the person you loved would never love anyone again, it would make you feel better. But its going to happen and you will have to deal with it. The constant thoughts will plague your head. Thinking of them with someone else.. Loving them but having nothing in return. It becomes unrequited love, you may always love that person but they will never feel the same about you again. It kills you, it hurts your heart, physically. It attacks your soul. But you cannot let it beat you. If you let it beat you you will never get over it. Sometimes if you really love someone you have to just let them go. It is true what they say about that. Let them be free, let them be happy even if inside you feel like it's all falling apart. We may hate our ex partners at first and be so hurt and angry and how they can just leave us. But soon you will want them best for them, even if that means you wont have the best for yourself. You will realize that you once cared about this person, and if you care about someone you will let them live their own lives and make their own mistakes. There is something quite cathartic about loving someone so much and letting them go. It doesn't mean you don't love them anymore but it means you have finally comes to term with the loss, and it makes you a better person for doing so.

Love isn't meant to be easy, i know they say that true love is easy, but that's not true, Love is about facing obstacles, getting hurt so you can learn to appreciate the good in things. The first step is to love yourself, love yourself beyond anything because there might come a time in your life when you only have yourself, and you will need YOU. Once you love yourself you allow the world to love you.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Jade xox

Thailand

So.. I have planned my adventure to Thailand, its really going to happen! 
I am going with a company called Gap 360 for this trip http://www.gap360.com/thai-orphanage-community-volunteers

I am so excited have always wanted to travel and do volunteer work and working in an orphanage is ideal as i love working with children. I know i am going to want to do teaching after this trip.

I have never been out the country by myself before, so this is going to be such an experience.
I know some people wouldn't want to do it, to get on a plane alone without knowing anyone, but i cannot think of anything more liberating! It's going to be so good for me, and i cannot wait to get out there.

I have decided to go for two weeks at the end of/after summer time. Ill see how i get on with the two weeks and then decide if i want to stay longer. I will miss my family and friends and i don't want to get too homesick lol.

I have to start saving each month from here on out, and then have to save for my flights too, and spending money, but its really cheap when you get out there. Its going to be worth it for two weeks in a beautiful country helping children and volunteering!

I need this more than anything right now. I need to get out this country even just for a little while to clear my head and be in a new place. I would go tomorrow if i could. Sucks that i have to wait till i have enough money. But the countdown begins now! 

Thailand 2013

Wish me luck! 

Jade xox

1 month down.

So it's been a month now of being single! I remember thinking that a month would drag and that i would never get rid of the horrible feelings i had. One week passed and then another and each day goes by without you even thinking sometimes, which goes to show life is so quick and precious and that you really need to make the most of every day you get.

So.. A month ago, i was a mess.. I had to change my whole life around, move home, change my routine, lost my relationship. It felt as if i had gone back 4 years in my life.. and i technically did. I had to go back to square one, it was as if the 4 years of being in a relationship no longer existed, and i had jumped back in time. I wont lie, at first i was a state, which is most likely normal. But then soon enough, the tears stopped, the anxiety decreased and now one month on.. I am a different person. The fact is.. I'm probably not a different person... I'm probably just ME AGAIN. When i was in a relationship i was probably THE DIFFERENT PERSON.

This last week has shown the most dramatic changes. I am actually happy.. I laugh, smile, i have been non-stop busy, and my past relationship hardly crosses my mind like it used to. It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind on it, it's all about positive thinking. I have found my old friends again and got closer to my current ones, and it makes me think about how much time i did waste in the last four years, i would never make the same mistakes again. This whole process has taught me so much about myself, and i am stronger and wiser then ever. Some things in life are not meant to be, especially if the person you love doesn't love you properly.. If someone can't see how special you are, drop them out your life, it just isn't worth the heartache, you could be so much happier alone, and i know sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Too many people stay in dying relationships just because they are scared of being alone, and they don't realize they are already alone in their relationship.

So for anyone who has just come out of a relationship or is currently in the midst of heartbreak.. then keep strong and keep going, it wont be easy... but in time you will start to smile again, and it will get better and you might even look back and be so happy that you got out of that relationship that just wasn't making you happy.

Jade xox

Life lessons

Ciao.

Come Sta?

Non parlo italiano, ma posso provare.

Io sono solo una ragazza, che ha amato e perduto.

Godere.

As you can see I have been trying with the ‘Italian’ been figuring out the basics. It is quite a beautiful little language; I think I’d like to try learning Latin too.

This week I have learned that I need to just stop thinking so much! I used to think that being a deep thinker was a good thing, a great quality to have, but it just doesn't suit me. I need to stop caring so much about everyone and everything. I carry too much on my shoulders and at this age that’s not a good thing. If someone hurts me I have the tendency to want to try and fix them and the situation. I need to learn to walk away and let go. I’m not saying I am going to turn into a cold version of myself that would be impossible; I have too much heart for that, But I do need to learn to keep my guard up and not give someone my everything again. I know that time is a healer, but you have to make your own decisions and only you can make changes, I have to decide to let go of things, I can’t just expect them to disappear by themselves over time.

When you get your heart broken, you get wiser, you learn to protect yourself and you build a layer around your heart. You get stronger. I will not make the same mistakes again and I guess I am just tougher now, you have to be. When bad things happen or you get hurt by someone you love, at first you feel like you can’t function properly, everything you believed comes crashing down and you have to reinvent yourself, you have to recreate a path to follow. The future you thought you had no longer exists, it’s scary. You have to dream up a new future and focus on living that one day at a time. You can follow all the advice in the world, but only you can fix how you feel, and that will happen when you start loving yourself again and finding who you are again.

The last couple of weeks I have been finding myself again, and thinking about what I want. It has been liberating, and it’s going to be a long process, this is just the start of so much more to come and for the first time in a very long time I have hope and am excited about the journeys to come.

Remember what doesn't destroy you can only make you stronger! <3

Jade xox

Falling out of love

Someone once said to me that ‘They fell out of love’.

In my opinion you can only fall out of love if you never loved that person in the first place. 

Once you love someone, and the lust has passed, you begin to love them completely. 

You love them for all their flaws, you love them when they are at their worst, and when they are ill. 

It is true love, especially when you have been with someone a long time. Once you have felt that love for someone it will NEVER go, even if they hurt you in ways you never thought possible. 

Love stays. You can bury that love, but you will never fall out of it, because love doesn’t work that way.

So if you have been in a relationship with someone a long time, and you have felt their love for you, if they have looked after you, gone to sleep and woke up with you every night, and then one day they say that they have fallen out of love with you, they either never felt it and did a great job at acting for all those years, or they still love you, but they are choosing to bury that love.

You can fall out of love with a song, or a perfume, because you may have overused it. But with people and the human heart it is very different. We are capable of holding onto a love we once had for a lifetime. You will move on from that love, you will fall in love with other people, but every love you have in life will stay with you forever, it shapes you, it makes you who you are, the love you had and the people you have loved will never disappear from you, they will be embedded in you in some way.

You can only ever fall out of LUST. 

Big Fat Ticks!

Before I started this list, I hadn’t really thought of things I had achieved, I was just moving along with everything and not taking anything into account. I didn’t really realize what I had managed to do in life, and I didn’t stop to take it all in. When I actually started writing my bucket list with the things I wanted to do, I then realized that I had done some of the things already, and that I should have been more proud of myself. That was always my problem, especially the last few years. I had been tied down in something that clearly wasn’t going anywhere, and I got stuck in the same routine. For too long I have felt unworthy and insecure, which is ironic considering that I was meant to be in a relationship during this time. Surely being in a relationship should make you feel good about yourself, and you should be at your best during this time. For me it was the opposite. I was at my lowest and I had no motivation, all my dreams had swindled. Looking back now and coming out of this stage, you would think I would feel even weaker. But it’s the opposite I feel strong again and empowered. So here is a list of the things I have managed to achieve (And yes! I am bigging myself up here! – But you should big yourself up and spur yourself on, you get one life.. live it)

Donate Blood
This isn’t going to seem like some massive goal for some people. But to me it is. I became a blood donor last year, it is something I always knew I would do. I have always wanted to help others, and giving blood is a simple and easy way to do this. You could be saving someones life, especially if you have a rare blood type. I urge all my friends and family to give blood if that can. It is a great feeling, and even if you feel a little shitty after you feel great at the same time.

Have a Tattoo
When I was younger, I always wanted a tattoo, and I was always drawing sketches and designs of what I would want. Then one day when I was 18 I just went and got one without anyone knowing. I did it for myself it hurt but it was liberating, and I designed it myself. It is a dove on my lower stomach, and during the time this symbolised a lot to me. I guess I was a bit lost really, and I was about to start University, and I had just finished sixth form. It was like a new start, with hope and clarity. Since then I have only had one more tattoo and that is a small butterfly on my wrist, I would look to get it updated at a later date.

Graduate from Uni
When I was a little girl, I always wanted to do well. I come from a working class family, and we never had much. We lived on a council estate, and we didn’t have a lot of money. I remember not knowing anyone in my family who had gone to University and it just wasn’t something that was expected of me. My mum and dad always encouraged me to do what I wanted to do as long as I was happy, but I knew I wanted to prove to myself that I could go to University, and that I could leave with a degree. So I worked hard at sixth form even though I was pretty ill, and I got accepted into St Marys for Media. Three years later I left with a BA Honors. It’s a great feeling in life, when you can do the unexpected and better yourself in ways you could never of imagined were possible.

Run a 5K
This isn’t exactly a massive goal, and many people run the marathon every year. I intend to run the Marathon and the half marathon so this was my starting point, it was the beginning of a challenge. I didn’t train much and it knackered me but in October 2012 I ran the 5k for Breast Cancer in Richmond Park.

Learn to drive
I started learning to drive at seventeen and was an absolute fail, I remember being the oldest in my year at sixth form and starting to learn to drive first, but I only did about 8 lessons, and that was enough to convince me to stop for a while. Driving the wrong way round a roundabout was a sign that I should leave it until I could try again. Eventually when I was 21 I started to learn again, and found it easy. Passed my theory with full marks and then passed my driving test within three months of starting to learn. And now I have been driving nearly two years in my little KA.

Meet Ed Westwick
Fancied Ed Westwick since Gossip Girl and finally met the beauty himself with my Friend Sherinne at the premier of Chalet Girl. He really is as beautiful in the flesh as he is on screen ;)

Get Featured in the Media
Since leaving Uni with my media degree I was lucky and blessed to find a job in a small media company straight away. Working in the Media has allowed me to have my designs featured in The Telegraph and Sunday Telegraph as well as on Britain’s Brightest that was on The BBC this year.

You can achieve anything you want to! Just believe in yourself!

Jade xox

Learn a language

So getting on with my Bucket List. I have decided to start learning a language from today. I have decided that i want to learn Italian. When i was at school, I was rubbish at French, i found it so hard to learn and literally just used French as an opportunity to mess around. Besides my French teacher hated me, so it was all pretty horrendous. Here's hoping Italian proves more fun.. I plan on Visiting Italy, so this is a great opportunity to learn their lingo.. My Nan's heritage dates back to Italy, so i am keeping my fingers crossed that my path to learning a new language is a success :)

Will keep updates on how it's going, Not sure where I am going to start but I'm sure i'll figure it out.

Ciao

xoxo

Travel Plans

I have always dreamed of travelling, for me i have always wanted to go do volunteer work, working with children in orphanages or those in need of help. I remember being younger and always wanting to go to Africa to help the children. Then life got in the way and i got busy with other things. I am at a point in my life now where i am free. I can finally dedicated some time to me and what i want to do. One of my goals is to do volunteer work.. So that's what I am going to do.

I have decided that I WILL go to Thailand in a few months to dedicate my time to a children's orphanage. I have heard so many good things about Thailand and I can't wait to get over there and help the children.
I am going to start saving big time, and then i will fly out there with a company. Its so exciting and thinking about it makes me feel so liberated. I know that when i go there, i wont want to leave and will get the travel bug so this could be the start of things to come.  Its also made me think that i might want to work with children in the future, I used to want to be a primary school teacher when i was younger. :)

Things can only get better from here on out and I can't wait for my journey!

Jade xox

Letting go

Letting go isn't easy, and I have found this recently. After four years loving the same person and giving them all my time and care, they threw it back in my face and gave me up. Our relationship had its ups and downs like everyone and there were arguments. I have always thought you should worry only if there are no arguments as that means neither of you care enough. But our relationship could have easily been fixed. What it comes down to is CHANGE. He changed; his life had changed, with his new company and new goals, so that was that, he made a choice because he felt he had to. In hindsight he didn't have to choose, as I would never have made him.  But that was that.. and before I knew it, he had dropped me completely out of his life. I know break-ups are hard, I have heard stories, seen people been through them, and even been through them myself, but this was/is different because I have never seen someone change like he did. All his emotions went, and I still don’t fully understand why or how any of this happened. I can’t beat myself up any longer wondering how or why, because sometimes in life you have to let go, you have to let that person go, not just for them to set them free, but for yourself too, so that you can be free and find yourself again.

The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you have gone back, gone back to strangers with that person who knew everything about you. You build a life with someone, a future, full of dreams and wishes and you just assume it will happen and come true, because you trust them to never leave. I am naive anyway, but when I am in a relationship I give my all, that person becomes my best friend and soul mate. I should probably not make the same mistake again, but that’s who I am. It’s hard having to lock away years of memories. It’s scary thinking you might never see or speak to them again or that they might move on and whatever you had with them, they will now have with someone else. Maybe even you might have it with someone else… and that hurts.

I am not even sure if it’s possible to let go of something in life 100% surely part of you will always keep a tiny bit of that person in your heart, you just have to let go of hope, and start again.

I think letting go is more about having faith, faith in yourself that you will be okay and that you are ready to try at being okay.

Jade xox

The Bucket List

So here is my Bucket List

I had never really thought about making a bucket list, until it dawned on me.. You have to have goals in life, for a long time i have just been gliding along in life, sticking with the same routine and sparing no thought to things i want do and achieve. You have to look forward to things in life, because its for living. So here is my bucket list.. I will achieve as much as i can and update it when i have completed things and i may even add new things as i go along.

Learn a language
Volunteer in Thailand
Visit Rome
Visit New York
Visit the Grand Canyon
Visit Paris
Go to Disneyland
Have my own home
Donate Blood 

Donate Bone Marrow
Send a message in a bottle
Ride a gondola in Venice
Learn Sign Language
Have Children
Have a Tattoo

Learn to play the guitar
Ride an Elephant
Swim with Dolphins
Write a book
Start a blog

Safe a life
Graduate from University

Run a 5K

Run a Half Marathon
Run the London Marathon
Learn to Drive

Go on a Road Trip
Go to a Music Festival
Get over you
Change the world
Get Married
Achieve my ideal weight
Have a Disney Marathon
Learn Ballet
Go Skinny Dipping
Learn Burlesque
Sky Dive
Kiss in the rain

Meet Ed Westwick

Ride a Motorbike
Climb a Mountain
Attend the Olympics

Get out of debt

Start my own business
Backpack
Get A Nissan Figaro Car
Learn to knit
Get featured in the Media
Be an Extra
Join a drama class

Go Make your Bucket List NOW!

Jade xox

To blog or not to blog

So the time has come, where i have decided that i am going to start my blog. Not for anyone else, except for myself really. I cant promise that my blog is going to be anything exciting or even worth reading. But there are things i want to say and things i want to do, and if i don't blog about it, then i know it won't happen. I have never been one for writing all about myself, i don't exactly keep a diary either. But i am going to give this a go, and who knows, i will probably give up and get bored, and then that will be the end of my blog. As usual it will probably just turn out to be a waste of my time, but with everything.. you don't know until you try.

My blog is probably going to be full of rubbish, loads of emotion, and stuff I want to achieve. I have written a bucket list, and this time i am going to get to work with completing it! Its time to start living.. and by doing this i have already completed one of my goals.. To start a blog.

Jade xox