Why missing someone is the worst thing in the world.

Missing someone but not being able to have them or see or speak to them is the worst thing in the world. I used to believe that in time the pain of missing someone would fade away. I was wrong. I'm not going to lie and say it gets easier over time as it doesn't. I still miss that one person. Although I don't think about them as much as before I still get pains in my heart when something reminds me of them. I still miss the good times, the security, the hugs, the love. I think in time I have began to miss them more as I know that that part of my life is over with and that story has ended so it makes me a little sad.  Can you truly ever stop missing something or someone in your past who you truly loved? Or will it never fade, will it stay forever. I would like to know. Right now I keep wondering if one day I will wake up and just not miss them anymore but then that's kind of sad in itself isn't it because when that day comes there really is nothing left of that story, no sequel or next chapter. I always hate when story's End.

With a heavy and hurt heart..
Jade xox

Today it ends

Today is a turning point. Today is the end of something that has been in my life for four years. I knew that eventually this day would come, where there would be no need for me and him to ever speak again. Up until now some of my belongings were still at his house, therefore it's been hard to completely move on until i knew i had everything back. But Today i get everything back and that is the end. It had ended anyway but this really is the day where we part ways and become strangers again. I knew that this would happen eventually, we dont speak anymore, and i have deleted him from practically everything. But today he no longer has a hold on me and there really is not one reason why we should contact eachother again. I guess in a way it hurts and it is hard because everything will come to an end entirely.  I am being strong, and through it all i have tried my hardest to carry on and to let go, and i wont lie it is not easy, it is really hard. What makes it harder is when the other person was a complete liar, who had cheated and left you for another person. Lifes a bitch. As hard as that is, it also makes it a whole lot easier. Why would you want to be back with someone who had done that to you anyway, they trully dont deserve you. In life everything happens for a reason, and i really believe that, we all have a journey and a path in life, and there is fate, you cannot change what is meant to be, you can only ride out the journey and take whatever life throws at you. If i was meant to be with someone, than i would be with them. Life may take you to funny places and teach you knew things. If you really are meant to end up with someone you will, in months or even years. You just have to let it be. So for now.. I am just going to take each day as it comes, i am going to expect the unexpected and i am going to just enjoy and work through all the little things that life throws at me. I am not here to break down or to let life get the best of me, no i am a survivor, that is what we all have built into us. We are all built to survive. So today one part of my life does end, but while that comes to an end, so many more doors are opening, and so many more things are beginning, and that is what life is about.

Jade xox

Do something NOW

I started writing this blog as a type of bucket list, to keep on track with things i wanted/NEEDED to do.
I had heard that writing and thinking of positive things to do, will help mend a broken heart.
I have always enjoyed writing, never really put much effort into it, it seems the only time i turn to writing is when i have certain emotions. This blog may as-well become a guide for those in the same place as me, for those who feel a bit lost at present and have had their hearts broken too. I didn't know that my blog would go in this direction, but looking at it, it more a less has. That in itself makes me a little sad, because i didn't want this to be about him or about what has gone on, if anything i just wanted to desperately move on and focus on new things. I need to remind myself that i HAVE, i have moved fowards, i could have still been sitting in bed, hiding under the covers listening to Adele. But i didn't. I got up off my arse, put my effort into work, booked my first solo travelling trip, and spent valuable time with my friends and my family. I've been busy, and it has helped so much. A break-up of any kind does not need to be a breakdown! 
If you are in this stage now, then make something positive come out of it. DON'T sit around crying and moping it will only make you feel ten times worse. Do something, be something, NOW!

Jade xox

That's what friends are for.

When you are in a relationship, you tend to give that person your everything. They may even become a best friend to you. Then you hit the single life, alone, your no longer seen as 'the couple' instead the 'singleton'.
Life is harsh like that, you have everything and them boom.. Your back on the shelf having to start all over again. However, if you are lucky, lucky like me.. You will have your friends, who will open their arms and bring you back to life.

Now I have always appreciated my friends. Your friends change over the years, some you may have known since school, some from University and some from random places that bring random memories.
As soon as i turned single i knew that i could turn to my friends, and i am so grateful for that, in fact if anything the whole experience has made me ten times closer to the friends that i do have. When you are single you now have so much more to give your friends, and you can focus on your friendships more.

This post is really just to thank those friends who have been there for me this last month.
Without them i could have stayed in bed, crying, getting fat on Ben & Jerry's and replaying Toni Braxton 'unbreak my heart' luckily my friends were there with their words of support, their love and jokes.

Collette Hughes. Sherinne Abdou. Caitlyn Stafford. 

You three girls have been fantastic. Thank you for being there for me, listening to me rant, inspiring me and not letting me do a Bridget Jones. Love you very much.

Jade xox

Letting go of love

There comes a time in your life when you realize that it's not about loving other people its about loving yourself. We all will love and lose love in our lives. I know how that feels. Its horrible to see people change, you once knew everything about them, and when you see them after everything has happened.. you no longer know them you have gone back to being strangers. What hurts more is when the person you loved now loves someone else. It makes you feel sick, it is the worst thing in the world. If only the person you loved would never love anyone again, it would make you feel better. But its going to happen and you will have to deal with it. The constant thoughts will plague your head. Thinking of them with someone else.. Loving them but having nothing in return. It becomes unrequited love, you may always love that person but they will never feel the same about you again. It kills you, it hurts your heart, physically. It attacks your soul. But you cannot let it beat you. If you let it beat you you will never get over it. Sometimes if you really love someone you have to just let them go. It is true what they say about that. Let them be free, let them be happy even if inside you feel like it's all falling apart. We may hate our ex partners at first and be so hurt and angry and how they can just leave us. But soon you will want them best for them, even if that means you wont have the best for yourself. You will realize that you once cared about this person, and if you care about someone you will let them live their own lives and make their own mistakes. There is something quite cathartic about loving someone so much and letting them go. It doesn't mean you don't love them anymore but it means you have finally comes to term with the loss, and it makes you a better person for doing so.

Love isn't meant to be easy, i know they say that true love is easy, but that's not true, Love is about facing obstacles, getting hurt so you can learn to appreciate the good in things. The first step is to love yourself, love yourself beyond anything because there might come a time in your life when you only have yourself, and you will need YOU. Once you love yourself you allow the world to love you.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Jade xox

Thailand

So.. I have planned my adventure to Thailand, its really going to happen! 
I am going with a company called Gap 360 for this trip http://www.gap360.com/thai-orphanage-community-volunteers

I am so excited have always wanted to travel and do volunteer work and working in an orphanage is ideal as i love working with children. I know i am going to want to do teaching after this trip.

I have never been out the country by myself before, so this is going to be such an experience.
I know some people wouldn't want to do it, to get on a plane alone without knowing anyone, but i cannot think of anything more liberating! It's going to be so good for me, and i cannot wait to get out there.

I have decided to go for two weeks at the end of/after summer time. Ill see how i get on with the two weeks and then decide if i want to stay longer. I will miss my family and friends and i don't want to get too homesick lol.

I have to start saving each month from here on out, and then have to save for my flights too, and spending money, but its really cheap when you get out there. Its going to be worth it for two weeks in a beautiful country helping children and volunteering!

I need this more than anything right now. I need to get out this country even just for a little while to clear my head and be in a new place. I would go tomorrow if i could. Sucks that i have to wait till i have enough money. But the countdown begins now! 

Thailand 2013

Wish me luck! 

Jade xox

1 month down.

So it's been a month now of being single! I remember thinking that a month would drag and that i would never get rid of the horrible feelings i had. One week passed and then another and each day goes by without you even thinking sometimes, which goes to show life is so quick and precious and that you really need to make the most of every day you get.

So.. A month ago, i was a mess.. I had to change my whole life around, move home, change my routine, lost my relationship. It felt as if i had gone back 4 years in my life.. and i technically did. I had to go back to square one, it was as if the 4 years of being in a relationship no longer existed, and i had jumped back in time. I wont lie, at first i was a state, which is most likely normal. But then soon enough, the tears stopped, the anxiety decreased and now one month on.. I am a different person. The fact is.. I'm probably not a different person... I'm probably just ME AGAIN. When i was in a relationship i was probably THE DIFFERENT PERSON.

This last week has shown the most dramatic changes. I am actually happy.. I laugh, smile, i have been non-stop busy, and my past relationship hardly crosses my mind like it used to. It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind on it, it's all about positive thinking. I have found my old friends again and got closer to my current ones, and it makes me think about how much time i did waste in the last four years, i would never make the same mistakes again. This whole process has taught me so much about myself, and i am stronger and wiser then ever. Some things in life are not meant to be, especially if the person you love doesn't love you properly.. If someone can't see how special you are, drop them out your life, it just isn't worth the heartache, you could be so much happier alone, and i know sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Too many people stay in dying relationships just because they are scared of being alone, and they don't realize they are already alone in their relationship.

So for anyone who has just come out of a relationship or is currently in the midst of heartbreak.. then keep strong and keep going, it wont be easy... but in time you will start to smile again, and it will get better and you might even look back and be so happy that you got out of that relationship that just wasn't making you happy.

Jade xox

Life lessons

Ciao.

Come Sta?

Non parlo italiano, ma posso provare.

Io sono solo una ragazza, che ha amato e perduto.

Godere.

As you can see I have been trying with the ‘Italian’ been figuring out the basics. It is quite a beautiful little language; I think I’d like to try learning Latin too.

This week I have learned that I need to just stop thinking so much! I used to think that being a deep thinker was a good thing, a great quality to have, but it just doesn't suit me. I need to stop caring so much about everyone and everything. I carry too much on my shoulders and at this age that’s not a good thing. If someone hurts me I have the tendency to want to try and fix them and the situation. I need to learn to walk away and let go. I’m not saying I am going to turn into a cold version of myself that would be impossible; I have too much heart for that, But I do need to learn to keep my guard up and not give someone my everything again. I know that time is a healer, but you have to make your own decisions and only you can make changes, I have to decide to let go of things, I can’t just expect them to disappear by themselves over time.

When you get your heart broken, you get wiser, you learn to protect yourself and you build a layer around your heart. You get stronger. I will not make the same mistakes again and I guess I am just tougher now, you have to be. When bad things happen or you get hurt by someone you love, at first you feel like you can’t function properly, everything you believed comes crashing down and you have to reinvent yourself, you have to recreate a path to follow. The future you thought you had no longer exists, it’s scary. You have to dream up a new future and focus on living that one day at a time. You can follow all the advice in the world, but only you can fix how you feel, and that will happen when you start loving yourself again and finding who you are again.

The last couple of weeks I have been finding myself again, and thinking about what I want. It has been liberating, and it’s going to be a long process, this is just the start of so much more to come and for the first time in a very long time I have hope and am excited about the journeys to come.

Remember what doesn't destroy you can only make you stronger! <3

Jade xox

Falling out of love

Someone once said to me that ‘They fell out of love’.

In my opinion you can only fall out of love if you never loved that person in the first place. 

Once you love someone, and the lust has passed, you begin to love them completely. 

You love them for all their flaws, you love them when they are at their worst, and when they are ill. 

It is true love, especially when you have been with someone a long time. Once you have felt that love for someone it will NEVER go, even if they hurt you in ways you never thought possible. 

Love stays. You can bury that love, but you will never fall out of it, because love doesn’t work that way.

So if you have been in a relationship with someone a long time, and you have felt their love for you, if they have looked after you, gone to sleep and woke up with you every night, and then one day they say that they have fallen out of love with you, they either never felt it and did a great job at acting for all those years, or they still love you, but they are choosing to bury that love.

You can fall out of love with a song, or a perfume, because you may have overused it. But with people and the human heart it is very different. We are capable of holding onto a love we once had for a lifetime. You will move on from that love, you will fall in love with other people, but every love you have in life will stay with you forever, it shapes you, it makes you who you are, the love you had and the people you have loved will never disappear from you, they will be embedded in you in some way.

You can only ever fall out of LUST. 

Big Fat Ticks!

Before I started this list, I hadn’t really thought of things I had achieved, I was just moving along with everything and not taking anything into account. I didn’t really realize what I had managed to do in life, and I didn’t stop to take it all in. When I actually started writing my bucket list with the things I wanted to do, I then realized that I had done some of the things already, and that I should have been more proud of myself. That was always my problem, especially the last few years. I had been tied down in something that clearly wasn’t going anywhere, and I got stuck in the same routine. For too long I have felt unworthy and insecure, which is ironic considering that I was meant to be in a relationship during this time. Surely being in a relationship should make you feel good about yourself, and you should be at your best during this time. For me it was the opposite. I was at my lowest and I had no motivation, all my dreams had swindled. Looking back now and coming out of this stage, you would think I would feel even weaker. But it’s the opposite I feel strong again and empowered. So here is a list of the things I have managed to achieve (And yes! I am bigging myself up here! – But you should big yourself up and spur yourself on, you get one life.. live it)

Donate Blood
This isn’t going to seem like some massive goal for some people. But to me it is. I became a blood donor last year, it is something I always knew I would do. I have always wanted to help others, and giving blood is a simple and easy way to do this. You could be saving someones life, especially if you have a rare blood type. I urge all my friends and family to give blood if that can. It is a great feeling, and even if you feel a little shitty after you feel great at the same time.

Have a Tattoo
When I was younger, I always wanted a tattoo, and I was always drawing sketches and designs of what I would want. Then one day when I was 18 I just went and got one without anyone knowing. I did it for myself it hurt but it was liberating, and I designed it myself. It is a dove on my lower stomach, and during the time this symbolised a lot to me. I guess I was a bit lost really, and I was about to start University, and I had just finished sixth form. It was like a new start, with hope and clarity. Since then I have only had one more tattoo and that is a small butterfly on my wrist, I would look to get it updated at a later date.

Graduate from Uni
When I was a little girl, I always wanted to do well. I come from a working class family, and we never had much. We lived on a council estate, and we didn’t have a lot of money. I remember not knowing anyone in my family who had gone to University and it just wasn’t something that was expected of me. My mum and dad always encouraged me to do what I wanted to do as long as I was happy, but I knew I wanted to prove to myself that I could go to University, and that I could leave with a degree. So I worked hard at sixth form even though I was pretty ill, and I got accepted into St Marys for Media. Three years later I left with a BA Honors. It’s a great feeling in life, when you can do the unexpected and better yourself in ways you could never of imagined were possible.

Run a 5K
This isn’t exactly a massive goal, and many people run the marathon every year. I intend to run the Marathon and the half marathon so this was my starting point, it was the beginning of a challenge. I didn’t train much and it knackered me but in October 2012 I ran the 5k for Breast Cancer in Richmond Park.

Learn to drive
I started learning to drive at seventeen and was an absolute fail, I remember being the oldest in my year at sixth form and starting to learn to drive first, but I only did about 8 lessons, and that was enough to convince me to stop for a while. Driving the wrong way round a roundabout was a sign that I should leave it until I could try again. Eventually when I was 21 I started to learn again, and found it easy. Passed my theory with full marks and then passed my driving test within three months of starting to learn. And now I have been driving nearly two years in my little KA.

Meet Ed Westwick
Fancied Ed Westwick since Gossip Girl and finally met the beauty himself with my Friend Sherinne at the premier of Chalet Girl. He really is as beautiful in the flesh as he is on screen ;)

Get Featured in the Media
Since leaving Uni with my media degree I was lucky and blessed to find a job in a small media company straight away. Working in the Media has allowed me to have my designs featured in The Telegraph and Sunday Telegraph as well as on Britain’s Brightest that was on The BBC this year.

You can achieve anything you want to! Just believe in yourself!

Jade xox

Learn a language

So getting on with my Bucket List. I have decided to start learning a language from today. I have decided that i want to learn Italian. When i was at school, I was rubbish at French, i found it so hard to learn and literally just used French as an opportunity to mess around. Besides my French teacher hated me, so it was all pretty horrendous. Here's hoping Italian proves more fun.. I plan on Visiting Italy, so this is a great opportunity to learn their lingo.. My Nan's heritage dates back to Italy, so i am keeping my fingers crossed that my path to learning a new language is a success :)

Will keep updates on how it's going, Not sure where I am going to start but I'm sure i'll figure it out.

Ciao

xoxo

Travel Plans

I have always dreamed of travelling, for me i have always wanted to go do volunteer work, working with children in orphanages or those in need of help. I remember being younger and always wanting to go to Africa to help the children. Then life got in the way and i got busy with other things. I am at a point in my life now where i am free. I can finally dedicated some time to me and what i want to do. One of my goals is to do volunteer work.. So that's what I am going to do.

I have decided that I WILL go to Thailand in a few months to dedicate my time to a children's orphanage. I have heard so many good things about Thailand and I can't wait to get over there and help the children.
I am going to start saving big time, and then i will fly out there with a company. Its so exciting and thinking about it makes me feel so liberated. I know that when i go there, i wont want to leave and will get the travel bug so this could be the start of things to come.  Its also made me think that i might want to work with children in the future, I used to want to be a primary school teacher when i was younger. :)

Things can only get better from here on out and I can't wait for my journey!

Jade xox

Letting go

Letting go isn't easy, and I have found this recently. After four years loving the same person and giving them all my time and care, they threw it back in my face and gave me up. Our relationship had its ups and downs like everyone and there were arguments. I have always thought you should worry only if there are no arguments as that means neither of you care enough. But our relationship could have easily been fixed. What it comes down to is CHANGE. He changed; his life had changed, with his new company and new goals, so that was that, he made a choice because he felt he had to. In hindsight he didn't have to choose, as I would never have made him.  But that was that.. and before I knew it, he had dropped me completely out of his life. I know break-ups are hard, I have heard stories, seen people been through them, and even been through them myself, but this was/is different because I have never seen someone change like he did. All his emotions went, and I still don’t fully understand why or how any of this happened. I can’t beat myself up any longer wondering how or why, because sometimes in life you have to let go, you have to let that person go, not just for them to set them free, but for yourself too, so that you can be free and find yourself again.

The hardest part of letting go is knowing that you have gone back, gone back to strangers with that person who knew everything about you. You build a life with someone, a future, full of dreams and wishes and you just assume it will happen and come true, because you trust them to never leave. I am naive anyway, but when I am in a relationship I give my all, that person becomes my best friend and soul mate. I should probably not make the same mistake again, but that’s who I am. It’s hard having to lock away years of memories. It’s scary thinking you might never see or speak to them again or that they might move on and whatever you had with them, they will now have with someone else. Maybe even you might have it with someone else… and that hurts.

I am not even sure if it’s possible to let go of something in life 100% surely part of you will always keep a tiny bit of that person in your heart, you just have to let go of hope, and start again.

I think letting go is more about having faith, faith in yourself that you will be okay and that you are ready to try at being okay.

Jade xox

The Bucket List

So here is my Bucket List

I had never really thought about making a bucket list, until it dawned on me.. You have to have goals in life, for a long time i have just been gliding along in life, sticking with the same routine and sparing no thought to things i want do and achieve. You have to look forward to things in life, because its for living. So here is my bucket list.. I will achieve as much as i can and update it when i have completed things and i may even add new things as i go along.

Learn a language
Volunteer in Thailand
Visit Rome
Visit New York
Visit the Grand Canyon
Visit Paris
Go to Disneyland
Have my own home
Donate Blood 

Donate Bone Marrow
Send a message in a bottle
Ride a gondola in Venice
Learn Sign Language
Have Children
Have a Tattoo

Learn to play the guitar
Ride an Elephant
Swim with Dolphins
Write a book
Start a blog

Safe a life
Graduate from University

Run a 5K

Run a Half Marathon
Run the London Marathon
Learn to Drive

Go on a Road Trip
Go to a Music Festival
Get over you
Change the world
Get Married
Achieve my ideal weight
Have a Disney Marathon
Learn Ballet
Go Skinny Dipping
Learn Burlesque
Sky Dive
Kiss in the rain

Meet Ed Westwick

Ride a Motorbike
Climb a Mountain
Attend the Olympics

Get out of debt

Start my own business
Backpack
Get A Nissan Figaro Car
Learn to knit
Get featured in the Media
Be an Extra
Join a drama class

Go Make your Bucket List NOW!

Jade xox

To blog or not to blog

So the time has come, where i have decided that i am going to start my blog. Not for anyone else, except for myself really. I cant promise that my blog is going to be anything exciting or even worth reading. But there are things i want to say and things i want to do, and if i don't blog about it, then i know it won't happen. I have never been one for writing all about myself, i don't exactly keep a diary either. But i am going to give this a go, and who knows, i will probably give up and get bored, and then that will be the end of my blog. As usual it will probably just turn out to be a waste of my time, but with everything.. you don't know until you try.

My blog is probably going to be full of rubbish, loads of emotion, and stuff I want to achieve. I have written a bucket list, and this time i am going to get to work with completing it! Its time to start living.. and by doing this i have already completed one of my goals.. To start a blog.

Jade xox