Disaster Week

Last week was probably one of the most hectic and crazy weeks of my life. No exaggeration.

Monday came the day where the door finally closed on my ex. He showed his true colors and how little he ever cared when he decided to humiliate me, shout abuse at me, and slap me around the face. No matter what happens in life i will never agree with a man hitting a girl. At-least from this i can finally realize that he was someone in my life that NEVER loved me and NEVER truly cared, and as upsetting and heartbreaking it is, it has well and truly secured shut that place I had for him in my heart, my mind and my memories. It hurts more not that he would slap me around the face, something which he had never done before and i never thought he would, but it hurts more that he has changed so much as a person that that's the person he now is, and i truly feel sorry for his current girlfriend who he was cheating on me with in the first place, not only does she have my rotten seconds but she will have to go through what I went through, a relationship with a compulsive liar and cheat who has now adding hitting women to his list of faults. Its a shame, and especially concerning considering he works with children. Not only does he need anger management but he needs to sort out who he is as a person. As for me, i have never been stronger and more determined, because now I've finally seen what everyone has been telling me that 'I was always too good for him anyway' 

Tuesday continued with its pattern of drama and disaster when my Mums home caught fire. My brothers bedroom caught fire and burnt down. It was incredibly scary and happened so quick, without the fire alarm we would have all died. It was a horrendous and scary day, and I'm so grateful that we all got out okay. Someone was looking down on us that day. As shown by this photo i took of a heart shape on the ceiling of the room that caught fire.

 I have so much faith and hope in life, and i truly believe everything happens for a reason, we lost material things, but they do not matter. This has shown me how futile and precious life is, and that these things can and do happen! I urge everyone i know to get fire-alarms, they do save your lifes.

Tuesday was also the day where my Grandad had his operation which i'm glad to say went well. At-least something good happened that day. It also made me think about love in general and how amazing it is that my Nan and Grandad have been together 60 years and married for 51. They truly are soul mates, i hope one day when i find someone we are as in love as they are.

Throughout this week i also had the thought looming over me about how i was made redundant, so with all this i've been madly job hunting too, and im keeping my fingers crossed that something good and positive happens soon, as for the last few months i have pretty much lost everything, a relationship, a home, a job, my cat, my possesions, through it all i've never lost my faith and i have fought back at it all, which is what i will always do, i will always be strong, nothing can break that.

Jade xoxo

A crazy weekend

My weekend was a busy one, and not just the usual busy one, but I literally didn't get a moment to stop and think. It started with a Friday night with my lovely friend Caitlyn. Friday had been a shit day for me, I had an awful reminder of my ex in my life when I had to speak to him, it wasn't pleasant, but none the less it reminded me how much better off without him I am. He remains to be a liar and a very cold and uncaring person, so talking to him did make me upset, but afterwards I felt stronger, because I am glad to not have people like that around me anymore, I deserve much better and it’s not worth the time, I gave him everything and for him it still wasn't enough he still had to go and cheat and lie, which is something he enjoyed doing for the four years we were together. Goes to show.. Some people never change! So I was happy that I had my friend to cheer me up, we spent a night eating sweeties and watching girly TV.. With of course lots of talking! 

Then Saturday came and I had a hectic day of preparing for Saturday Nights Madness! I got to my friend Collette’s and the pre-drinking began. We made our very own Bacardi cocktail; lots of Bacardi, mint, lemonade and pineapple, and to be fair it taste rather nice, but sadly it got us drunk VERY quick.

We went for a night out in Wonderland Sutton, where I had never been before. I instantly felt old, everyone seems so young now, and although I am only 22, I was still looking like the old person, the one when I was 18 I used to look at with a disgusted face. Such a shame. We had lots of fun though, and I will make-sure I do not mix my drunks in future, as in the club I thought it would be wise to drink Vodka, Jack Daniels and White Wine. Everything seems so fun when you are drunk. A chav also proposed to me, which was obviously the highlight of my night.

Sunday was spent driving to Weston Super Mare, and I must admit I do love the seaside. It makes you realize that the world is such a big place full of opportunities, and that makes me happy.

This weekend I realized I CAN be happy again, because I WAS happy, I have gone into this week in a rather cheerful mood, and I can’t wait for everything that’s ahead, I am going to embrace it fully.

Jade xox

Reflections.

I just so happened to browse through my Old Myspace account where i used to write a lot about myself it was almost like my own Blog.

Here is what i had to say about myself back in 2008 and 2009 all the way back 4/5 years ago.

2008

One day, i want to look back on my life, and have lots of story's to tell the great great grandchildren. i see the world as tarnished beauty. it’s like all the beautiful things in life, slip away or disappear over time. i adore photography or anything creative, writing, poetry, art and painting, anything that allows me to escape into another world of freedom and happiness. i’m not sure everyone sees the world like i do, but that’s okay, because i talk shit for hours on end, and i’d talk for ages to anyone who would listen to me. i see myself as the next Mother Theresa  i have all these great out of control ideas and plans for life, i will visit the poorest places of the world and do all this volunteer work, when i say that i will do something i will, and i cant think of anything more precious in life, then to give life to others, and help other people be happy. i hate when other people are sad, it makes me sad. i smile at random people in the street. old women like to talk to me on the bus.

I live a random little life in my own little world. i struggle to allow people into what i am because i have this little thing called insecurity. i speak without thinking. the greatest people have entered my life only to walk back out again. i guess i'm scared that that will always be the way if it wasn't for my family & friends then i’d of given up on life a long long time ago... I don't think i'm ready to grow up just yet.
you can think i'm naive if you want, it doesn't matter because i know what i feel and think and i will struggle to see this world and try and make things better. you can say its impossible, but nothings impossible sometimes i get upset, the worlds such a beautiful place and people abuse this. i see things and i feel happier by just knowing that they exist. I love gaining inspiration and passion from books or songs. there is so much meaning to every little word. i love to take photos, i love to write, i love to read, i love to paint and draw, to be honest i love anything that's creative i could listen to acoustic all day long. music is probably one of the most important things, without it life would be pointless, they’d be no empty thoughts and feelings suppressed into passion. i absolutely idolize some people. i like to analyse people. never ever judge anybody without walking a mile in their shoes first. everybody has talents its all down to whether they use them or not. sometimes i fall in love way to easily. i'm always hurt i think its time i realise that i'm going to be alone. its okay i think maybe that some people arn't meant to have what they most want. never regret anything that ever made you smile and never give up on anybody who made you happy. i most believe in the saying that what doesn't destroy you can only make you stronger

i’d quite happily die for anybody i loved. i cherish anyone who’s ever entered my life. i'm a happy person. it’s all about rainbows and them moments where you feel butterflies in your stomach
sometimes i get them moments where because i’ve been living a make believe life that i realise everything isn't exactly perfect. but i see the perfection in imperfections and next year i will do volunteer work in Africa  i'm not sure anybody will ever know who i truly am, because i don't think they ever give me that much of a chance, i could come across as quite dominating. i know what its like to have a crushed up heart. everything can heal. sometimes i feel empty and melancholy, but at the end of the day I'm a human being, and this can only be expected. one day i want to be the girl who will walk into a crowded room & everyone will stop and stare. it’ll never happen i am not beautiful. i guess its really hard to explain who you are to somebody. i want to be an actress and i come alive when i can be someone else, even for a second. its just that i dislike who i am, this is why i make up for it in other ways, i want to be held tightly and looked after, i want to be able to believe im something special. i cant give anybody the world, but i can give them my world


i'm not sure of the direction that my life is leading toward. i have dreams and ambitions and deep down inside me i know that i can and will forfill them. i don't tend to give up on things easily. i'm stubborn but also passionate. i am extremely creative and imaginative  i took on art and also photography as a levels, and also film, philosophy and media. my dream would be to either be an actress or a passionate journalist perhaps working as a magazine editor/publisher. i see life as an empty canvas that only we ourselfs can create.


i love the simple most beautiful things in life. walks in the park, cuddling under my duvet watching a good film, trips to the cinema, spending time with those i love. i'm not one of these people who surround themselves with materialistic things. i am most happy when i'm listening to my music on my ipod and walking somewhere. i don't orientate myself around 'whats hot' i don't follow fashion or trends, to me individuality is what is most appealing. i'm so bored of seeing the same fake people around. however i'm not a nasty person. i'm nice to anyone i meet, and give people a chance, i never judge anybody or stereotype people



2009

I don't know much about myself right now, sorry. But what i do know is that everything that happens to you in life, shapes and changes you as a person. Maybe i'm just not sure who i am right now, but that doesn't mean i don't know who i can be or who i've been in the past.
I am an adult now. It frightens me more than anything, simply because in my heart i am still a six year old child, i had to grow up quickly. I am now at University which i actually do enjoy because of the freedom. I go to St Mary's University, and no not because of the rugby players. I study Media Arts and also Film & TV. I have a tattoo, a dove which i designed myself, on my lower stomach, to me this symbolizes everything i aspire to be. Free, and full of hope and happiness.

My biggest fear is loneliness, but this fear has caused me to push away everyone i love, ironically. I am creative beyond expression. Filmwork, photography, art and writing. I see myself as a blank canvas sometimes. I have been in love once. My heart was broke. I'm not sure i can love again, i skim through friendships, relationships, scared of being hurt like i have been. I am naive, trust too quickly, incredibly childlike, but overall i have so much love to give. I like the simple things in life, walks in the park and holding hands. My self esteem seems to have been dented majorly just in the last year. In fact i cannot wait to start a new year again, next time i will make sure that i have no regrets. This year truly has been a very crazy fucked up one. I lost a best friend, and a boyfriend within a matter of months, and everything after that has seemed like a whirlwind of highs and lows, and learning about who i am again. I don't regret what happened, don't regret losing her or him, everything happens for a reason at the end of the day and i like to think if anything i have grown strong, and that someday soon enough, i will be the best person i can be because of it all. <3 ..




TODAY

Looking back at this actually makes me really sad. I can't believe that's how i used to feel, and although not much has changed within me a lot has too. I sound like such a lost girl, trying to make everything better, trying to make myself better by writing about it all. I don't think i knew who i was back then, and even then i seemed crumbled by love and relationships. I wish i could go back and tell myself that i would find love again, and that even if you lose love, you will get over it and be stronger.
Its sad that i felt like that. I even knew then that i wanted to do volunteer work, i have just swapped Africa for Thailand. University changed me for the better really and graduating too. I feel as if i am mentally stronger and less naive.

This has shown me how life changes, how we change.

In years to come i will look back at this blog too, and probably wish i could tell my 22 year old self that i would be okay and that i would get over the love I've lost this year too.

Jade xox

Erasing the memories.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way of deleting certain memories from your life. I am sick of memories right now, memories of my past relationship. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I know in time it will be easier but I am so sick of being in places, hearing songs, having reminders of him everywhere. I have moved on, and I wish my mind would too, but it seems to think it’s fun to keep reminding me of my past life. I am not hateful or negative about my past relationship and I have no bitter feelings left, but it does suck when you are getting along with your life and suddenly out the blue you will hear a song that reminds you of them, or you will be watching Television and suddenly a shows comes on that you used to watch together. It’s not even that, but if you happen to drive past somewhere or go to a place you both used to go, it strucks you harder. You may have not even thought about them until that point, and BOOM, your back feeling blue about it all. When I came out of my relationship, I used to wish there was something/anything that would take away the hurt and the memories. I wished that there was some sort of miracle that would delete them from your heart and mind and make you forget them sort of like ‘Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind’.

But now. Looking back.. I realize that there is a reason why there is no such process. If there was, then deleting that person from your life would also mean deleting a big part of yourself and your own life. If I had deleted him from my mind and if I had been made to forget that he never existed and that four years with him never happened, then I would lose who I was. In them four years, I learnt a lot, I grew as a person, and although it is hard now, I do not regret that time, and I do look back and smile at the memories. Everything we experience makes us who we are. Some things just end, it doesn’t mean that we end, it just means that the chapter ended, and there are many more chapters left to live. I miss the memories, but I’m glad that they don’t disappear because that would feel like it never existed, and I think that would hurt a lot more.

Yes, it hurts, when I am reminded of what is no longer in my life.

But in time, I know that it will not hurt, that it will purely be a memory sat alongside many more memories to come.

So for now I guess I just have to move through this phrase, and take all the painful reminders in, because when I have moved on in life, I will appreciate the happy reminders.

Jade xox

New Month. New Bucket List Goal.

So today is the start of another month, a quarter of the way through the year. I have had the craziest last two months, and i always feel so much better when a new month begins, it is almost as if it is a new chance to make the most of the month again. The last few weeks have been up and down, and my emotions have gone through every phrase possible. I haven't had much time to sit and reflect for a while. This weekend i booked my Thailand trip and am going now on the 1st August and won't be back until the 17th August! Thailand is 11 hours away on the plane, and it will be seven hours ahead of everyone here in the UK. Its not going to hit me until i get to the airport, and then i'll be alone, ready to begin my adventure. I am not only excited but i am so proud of myself for doing this, for getting the courage after all that's happened this year. I knew i would do it, as i had set my mind to it, but it became more real when i booked it. It is exactly 4 months away today that i will be leaving. There is a part of me that feels alive for doing this, but also a part that is scared. I am going to be on the other side of the world with nobody i even know, in a foreign country where lizards and rats will be running riot around the place. I keep reminding myself that i will be doing an amazing thing, two weeks teaching and looking after children in an orphanage, it will make me appreciate my life so much, which can only be a good thing right now.

So for this month, and before i go away, i am keeping myself focused by working on another of my bucket list goals, and that is to write a book. I have drafted it all up, and i am going to start writing it. As i have mentioned before i have always loved writing. So i will keep you updated on the progress of this and how it goes along the way :)

For now, Happy Easter and set yourself a goal for this month!

Jade xox

The Men of 2013

When i was in a relationship i never really took the time to notice what the men of today have become. Now i am not saying that this post or what i am saying is targeted at ALL men, because I'm certain there are a few rare gems that still exist who do not act like the majority of the men of this generation.

I used to think it was just one breed of guy that would be a cheating liar. I was wrong. You will be surprised at the fact that even the quiet ones are just the same. It is such a shame that men these days have been tainted with this brush. I'm sure men have always cheated, even in a different generation, but everywhere you go now you cannot help but hear about guys cheating, husbands having affairs etc etc. I know that women cheat too, and it isn't just a one sided thing. But why? I think it is so sad that this is all we hear about now.

Where are all the gentlemen, the men who dote on their partners and still spend everyday showing their partners how much they love them? Where are all the story's of happy endings and marriages working. We are just constantly seeing the dark side of love, and this makes us believe that all relationships will end up the same, we are constantly worrying that the person we are with may be cheating on us, and that there is a possibility that we wont ever get our happy ending.

In a different generation, before social networking sites, online pornography and before shows like 'Jeremy Kyle' and 'Cheaters' Things were easy. There was no pressure in relationships that your partner could be online having an affair. There were no mobile phones, so we couldn't hurt ourselves by searching for evidence. It was just you and them.

It is sad. It isn't even all these added extras that effect how we see men and relationships now, it is the lack of respect that men and women have for each other. I have decided to only settle for pure romance and for a true gentlemen from now on. You should have high standards, you should wait for the guy who will open doors for you, show you to the world as his girlfriend. I think love and romance has become dead, because we have allowed it to be. We have just accepted that we are going to be cheated on and that no man is going to pull a chair out for us, or to wine and dine us, its wrong. You are in charge of your own fairytale, and you should never settle for a cheat.

Jade xox