Wow. Where to begin. I haven't wrote a post in a while, because i have not had a chance to sit down, stop and reflect over everything that's been happening. In a way i think its a blessing that i have not stopped and that i have been so busy these last few months, because its made everything easier, quicker, and i haven't had to moan and feel sorry for myself. I cant put into words how strong i feel right now.
I have always been a strong person, i have had to be since i was a little girl, and i always knew that i could defeat anything and that i can get through the very lows in life. I lost me for a while, and i lost that strength too. Finally in a very long time, i can safely say that i am me again, i am happy, i am strong, i am content, and i have never had so much confidence. Before i was just a shadow of myself, going along in life and feeling more and more insecure as days went by, simply because i was surrounded and living in a home where nobody really cared and where nobody wanted me there anyway. I am home now with my family, my real family and its never felt better to be surrounded by the ones in life who will love you regardless and who will want you there for you. It is freedom that i have now been given, i no longer have to sit in a home and pretend i'm happy with someone else's family who never cared and with a boyfriend who never wanted me in the first place.
I also resigned from my job in the Media, a job which i loved at first, but in the end it simply reminded me to much of my past. I had moved on from the area, the people, and i was sick of driving past my ex boyfriends home and the places we had been together. It was simply my past and i was never going to be able to move on without losing it all. I lost him, my home, my place i was used to living in, and all that goes with it, and it was pointless driving to the job i had in that part of my life too. The day i left work for the last time, i drove HOME (back to my new home, my old home, my real home) and i have never felt so free and relieved, Never again will i have to go anywhere near that part of my life, its done, it's over, and i have never felt so strong.
Not many people can lose it all and pick themselves back up.. but that is exactly what i have done. I got a brand new job as a care nurse, and i have never been more sure and excited about anything. As much as i loved the media and all things creative, i have always been destined to work in a career which would enable me to help others and care for others, i always wanted to work with children, but when i found this job role, i realized i can help anybody. I just finished my training and am waiting for my CRB now. I will be working as a domiciliary carer, working with people with Parkinsons, Alzheimers, Dementia, MS and other illnesses, some will just need caring and having no illness as such, everyday is going to be a different day which i love. Its going to be hard, and that's why not a lot of people work in this type of role, some of the people i work with will be end of life, and that's going to be so distressing and sad, but i know now that this is what i need to do, and i want to progress on to work as a paramedic or a nurse in a hospital.
So with all the bad that has happened and that is ongoing i am stronger than i have ever been i have hit rock bottom, and i have had to build myself emotionally back up, as i couldn't let it all destroy me, and i would never have let that happen. I have never felt more myself, and in a weird way i have never been happier, even though there is still a lot of drama and stress around me, as-well as sadness, i am positive and i am hopeful, and at 22, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. I cannot wait to make it so worthwhile and meaningful.
Jade xox
